LeeP www.angelfire.com/oh/leepaxton/

Jerry Fartwell Falwell Versus the Ass Babies and the Brownish Indigo Children

(Improv Fictional Comedy written here on this MRR Blog)

Jerry Fartwell was sitting in his wickedly Religious Fortress in Lynchtheblacks, Tennessee as he wrung his hands together like a sick and twisted fiend. "Whom shall I try to brainwash today and claim that it is in the name of the Lord?", thought Fartwell as he kissed an electronic picture of Jesus H. Christ and walked into his private study. "What Would Jesus Destroy?", thought Fartwell as he looked over photographs of different groups of people whom he hates. There were pictures of homosexuals involved in raunchy rectal play, and though some of the pictures actually aroused Fartwell, he would probably never admit, instead he admonished his own boners and screamed "Be healed" at them. Then he looked at pictures of pagans and screamed like a banshee. He took a few swigs of whiskey and turned on Fox News and saw a story about gay men having children, then he saw a story regarding some New Age nonsense about "Indigo Children", then he popped a couple of Oxycontin pills that Rush Limburger gave him and mixed it all up with his bi-polar medication. He started to see swirling images and all the stories on the TV screen blended into one and he exclaimed, "Now I'm starting to get my mystical visions", and he picked up the phone to talk to his friend Pat Robuttson.

Jerry Fartwell and Pat Robuttson discussed who they hated and whom they should attack that day. "I'm going to attack towns in this country", exclaimed Pat Robuttson, and as soon as he hung up the phone he got on his private plane.

Fartwell then heard a story on the news about gays wanting to have children, and then later he logged into the Majority Report Radio Blog and saw some comical people making jokes about "Ass Babies". Fartwell was so high on all his insanity, jesus juice and medication that all these stories blended into one and he began to believe that it was possible for people to actually give birth to ass babies!

"These wicked pagans are messing with human DNA to allow the homosexers to fuck each other up the assholes and have kids so that they can spread their evil gay disease over the planet", rambled Fartwell as he popped some other strange pills and picked up his Bible and read a passage about how God killed a bunch of people. Then Fartwell turned on CNN and saw Andersen Cooper doing a story about "Indigo Children", which was a hokey bullshit New Age story, but Fartwell was very afraid of any competition in the fucked-up theories and bullshit religion department so he started to get more and more freaked out and popped more and more pills while flipping through his bible and talking wildly.

Then, somehow, a strange transformation took place in the mind of Jerry Fartwell and he saw something on the news about the bird flu and after realizing that he had just ate a whole bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken he began squawking and pecking the ground. He took a dump on the floor of his office, but it looked like an egg to him. After this strange display, Fartwell decided that he was going to call Fox News and issue a statement live on National Television.

Fartwell's people tried to make him look appropriate before he went on the air, and they powdered-puffed his pudgey putrid puss and tried to slap some sense into him before he went on TV. "In 5, 4, 3, 2..."

"Hello America", said Jerry Fartwell into the cameras, "What we have going on here in America today is a bunch of misguided and evil pagan homosexuals who are sodomizing each other up their behinds and creating Ass Babies on a scale never before seen. These Ass Babies, or Brownish Indigo Children as the pagans call them, are wicked because they do not come from the holy womb, as most children do, but they come from the raunchy rectal regions of evil homosexers!"

By this time even the anchors on Fox News realized that Fartwell was off his fucking rocker, so they turned the cameras over the Pat Robuttson who was joining them live via satelite. "Are you there Pat?", asked the skanky Fox News anchor.

"Hello", replied Pat Robuttson, "I'm here".

"Where are you joining us from, Pat?"

"I'm here in Dover, Pennsylvania, and I'm trying to make sure that God sends his wrath onto this community because they don't want God in their schools, so instead they will have the devil and me! Soon they'll be calling this town Ben-Dover because everyone will turn into sodomites and probably be having a plague of the ass babies, as my friend Jerry Fartwell mentioned earlier".

"Pat, that doesn't look like Dover, PA", replied the Fox News anchor, surprisingly observent for someone working at Fox, but he noticed that everyone in the screen shots looked like Hispanic, and even a stupid Fox News anchor could realize something was going on here.

"Well", said Pat, "Umm, I'll have to ask the pilot where we are... Oh, I guess we made a wrong turn somewhere, and it appears that we accidently landed here in Venezuela".

"Venezuela, Pat?", replied the Fox News anchor, "isn't that the country where you insulted their elected leader and said that the U.S. government should assassinate him out?"

"What?", replied Pat, but he couldn't hear what was going on. An angry crowd of organized Venezuelan workers attacked him and beat him with hammers and chopped off his head with a sickle. Pat didn't seem to mind having his head chopped off though, his lips kept right on flapping as long as he could keep it up.

The Fox News idiots flipped the cameras back on to Jerry Fartwell, who was completely flipping out by this time and was starting to see Ass Babies appear out of thin air in between strange outbursts and chicken squawking.

This is what Fartwell thought he was seeing: An Ass Baby of a Brownish Indigo aura was walking up to him and telling him that they understood all of the wicked deception that people like Fartwell were doing through lies and pseudo religious brainwashing. "No, No!!", screamed Fartwell as he waved his hands trying to push the Ass Babies out of his field of vision. "We know that you seek to warp the minds of humankind. Jesus stood for peace and truth but you stand for lies, corruption, brainwashing, injustice and warfare", said the Ass Babies unto him. "Leave me alone!!!", screamed Fartwell.

"Jerry?" asked the Fox News anchor, not knowing what was causing such strange outbursts from Fartwell.

Suddenly, Fartwell saw hundreds of Ass Babies with Brownish Indigo auras jumping out of cosmic short buses encircling him and accusing him of all his wicked deeds and he couldn't take it anymore. He started screaming, "No, No!!!" and pushing at the air around him, and then suddenly he jumped completely out a 10 story window and fell to his death as the Fox News Cameras were rolling.

"Ummm, next on Fox News, we interview Prick Cheney...."

Hopefully the Ass Babies will appear again and spread the message of truth and cause wicked men to destroy themselves for the good of the asses of the masses.

The End [?]